Being the only girl in the family and coming from a middle-class background, my parents had high expectations for me to live up to. They spent a lot of time, money, and effort making sure I wouldn’t have their weaknesses and attempted to make me the best version of myself. I was taken to a grooming class where I learned how to manage myself and what were socially unacceptable habits to avoid.
It is quite acceptable if you were unable to perceive the issue with this because the majority of people cannot; in fact, for the longest time, even I was unable to. Since I couldn’t manage to unlearn anything, as I had been taught at that young age, I just repressed all of my small, annoying urges that I had mentally classified as negative.
The hyperactivity showed up in various ways. I used to chew on my pencil ends, bite my sleeves, chew my hair, eat paper, tap my foot, feel slightly worried, pick at my sores, and had this crazy overwhelming need to blow out candles at restaurants. I started feeling more and more self- conscious about these tendencies in middle school. I bottled up my hyperactivity and it got worse and worse. As I grew, they kept showing up in different variations.
I developed a covert obsession with trying to identify my issue. Was it a compulsive condition? Is there a personality or mood disorder in me? Or was I merely depressed and worried? I continued to think about ADHD, but I didn’t even start to connect it to my continuous difficulties.
However, because I was repressing those feelings or, as we may say because I was in denial, I was able to come up with some basic coping mechanisms on my own.
I keep related objects close to one another in storage so I won’t have to travel far to find what I need to complete a task. I invite people over for dinner or a visit, but I store wrapping paper, tape, scissors, and ribbons in the same closet, so I have to tidy up before they arrive.
I play music and move around from room to room as I clean and organize.
I use vividly coloured paper to jot down vital information. An orange or green to-do list is simpler to locate if I ever lose it.
I make a note to myself and put it in my pocket. I can see what I have to do in that pocket when I reach back home.
I begin each day with a five-minute mindfulness practice and a daily objective that I keep in mind the entire day. For instance, “Today, I will be aware of my feelings and cravings and resist them.” To help me stay focused on doing this, I also set a reminder.
Whenever I feel the want to say something intimate to someone, I mentally block off their faces. This enables me to address the issue and not the individual.
When I think back on my youth, I notice a clear connection between suppressed hyperactivity—caused by guilt and shame—and conditioned behavioral patterns.
Recently, I’ve allowed myself to fumble without feeling guilty. I circle the room tapping my feet and bending paperclips. – ADHD behaviours that I resisted for a very long time. This could have only been possible because I accepted the urges and took professional medical assistance and therapy to deal with them.
My incessant chatting, fidgeting, and pen clicking in the office and in social situations might have made me appear “impolite,” “annoying,” and “inconsiderate” to other people. No one realized that I needed to be able to move my body in order for my brain to function. If I couldn’t move around in my seat, I would nod off.
We have to let our ADHD show. In order for our emotional scars to mend to suit neurotypical people, we must stop altering our behavior. They are unaware of the mental processes we are experiencing or how fidgeting helps our brains work more efficiently. Therefore, it is clear that whatever caused us to be reprimanded was not our responsibility. As a result, we can relieve ourselves of the weight that was never meant for us.
Show off your ADHD without being embarrassed. People will pass judgment and look. But it’s all right. They don’t know better, and it’s not your fault. Recognize that your needs differ from those of others. Don’t let other people pressure you into competing in a race you can never win. You play in a whole other division.
Riddhi